DOC.
545 MAY 1918 565
I
have
the
greatest
respect
for him
as a
person.
If
ever
there
was
true
friendship
and camaraderie
between two
beings
of different
types,
those
are
quite
certainly
my feelings
for
A. I
have
never
wished
nor
felt
the
least desire to be
close
to
him
physically.
This
is
otherwise in his
case-recently
at
least.-He
himself
even
admitted
to
me once
how difficult
it
is
for him
to
keep
himself in
check.
But
now
I
do believe
that
my feelings
for him
are
not sufficient for
conjugal
life. I
am
just
too afraid
that
then
I
might
not be able to
love
him
anymore
and
would
even
perceive
him
as
a
fetter.
In the
end,
I would feel like
a
slave
girl
who has
been
sold.
Maybe
you
think
differently
about
this,
but
I
have
some
doubts about
it.
I
could
imagine falling
deeply enough
in
love
with
any
other
stranger
to be
able to
live together
with
him,
but
my
mind balks at
the
idea
with
A. I
believe
that the
relationship
between him and Mama
that
exists-in the alternate
case,
that
existed-do not
allow
the
sentiment
necessary
for connubial
life to
develop.
I
have become too used to
regarding
him somewhat
as a
“father.” You
will
reply,
this
lies
in
the
past,
but
I
would be reminded
of
it
daily by
Mama’s
presence.
You
must
admit,
this
is
a
somewhat
unnatural
thing
and for
our
sensibilities
nowadays,
to
my
mind at
any
rate, is
not
quite
clean either.
(Although
A.
asserts
that
these
are
social
prejudices.) By
no means
is A. trying
to
persuade
me,
since
he does not want to
assume
the
responsibility
of
binding
such
a young
thing
as me
to himself.
As
long
as
I
was
here in the
house,[2]
it would not
(in
A.’s
opinion)
be
a
great
difference for
me
whether
or
not
I
were
married,
at
most
it
would
merely
be
convenient,
because
I
would
always
be
an
independent,
free
person.
I
would be valued
just
as
much
as
Mama.
And
I
am
absolutely
not
jealous
of all
the
public glamour
that
would descend
on
Mama.
But
it
would
be
an entirely
different matter if
I
were
to
marry
someone,
which I
actually
do want.
A.
told
me
that
that would tear
a
hole in his
life
and
that it
would be
painful
for him
to
have
to
miss
me.
Now,
this
is
a
very
sore
point.
I
appear
to
myself
like Heine’s
donkey.[3]
On
the
one
hand, I
would
like to live
my lifelong
with
Albert,
but
to
be
married
to him
another
kind of
love is
needed
as well,
I
would
think.
Now
you
know
exactly
what the situation
is
between
me
and
A.
The
third
person
still
to
be mentioned in this odd and
certainly
also
highly
comical affair would
be Mother. For
the
present-because
she does
not
yet
firmly
believe
that
I
am
really
serious-she
has
allowed
me
to
choose
completely
freely.
If she
saw
that
I
could
really
be
happy
only
with
A.,
she would
surely step
aside out of
love
for
me.
But it
would
certainly
be
bitterly
hard
for her. And
then
I
do not know
whether
it
really
would be fair
if-after
all her
years
of
struggle-I
were
to
compete
with
her
over
the
place
she
had
won
for herself,
now
that
she
is
finally
at
the
goal.
Philistines
like
the
grandparents
are
naturally
appalled
about
these
new plans.[4]
Mother would
supposedly
be
disgraced
and
other
such
pleasant things.
You know
A.
enough
to know how much he
cares
about
such
empty
words.
I
myself
am
too